Monday, August 3, 2009

Shut your stupid mouth already

I'm in a mood so I guess this list reflects it.

8 things I never want to hear again.
I am sick of hearing certain things and I really have no desire to hear them again.

1. Blonde jokes or” having a blonde moment” – Replace blonde with your favorite racial slur and you’ll have a classic racist joke. They weren’t funny as racist jokes and they’re not funny now. They’re just excuses to make fun of women as stupid and slutty.

2. Don’t crush my bread/ be careful with the eggs – I was going to pretend the bread was an accordion and juggle the eggs, but since you warned me to be careful, I’ll pretend I have a modicum of common sense and treat them as if they were fragile. Thanks for letting me know how delicate such items are, I never would have figured it out on my own with my lousy 3.9 (darn math 122!) average.

3. Item A is the next/new Item B – Pink is not the new black. The snotty high school basketball star is not the next Jordan.

4. Your hair is so short! – Oh my bob, it is! Here I was thinking I was ready to play Rapunzel sans silly wig and now you’ve destroyed my delusion.

5. My sponsor/going to meetings/any 12 step references; I had to drop; I was so high; my p.o. - Now if I was actually in a conversation with you and revealed these things in confidence, it probably wouldn’t annoy me. You talking about these things loudly, in public, annoys me. When did the second A in AA /CA/NA change from Anonymous to Announcers? If you are out on probation on a drug charge, do you really need to announce to everyone on a public bus that your last drop was dirty because they told you not to smoke weed so you smoked some crack instead? (For those of you not up on the lingo – drop is the term for having to submit to urine analysis and a p.o. is a parole officer – the things you learn on the public bus is amazing.)

6. I’m so broke/I’m so poor/ this pay is so lousy– This is normally from someone drinking a four dollar coffee who has never worried about being evicted or which meals they would need to skip. People who have never had only one hot meal a day in a church or community center where they had to sign their name for each plate. People who never slept during the day at the library and walked around at night, trying not to be picked up for vagrancy. People who have never tried to feed five people and get school supplies and clothes on an $8 an hour job.

7. Any complaint about the weather before it hits 103 – This is Tucson, it gets hot. It gets hot every year. It’s not a surprise. It’s not considered a heat wave. It’s normal. It isn’t even as bad as Phoenix, so quit whining.

8. Don’t you miss the girls? – No I’m heartless and emotionally void. Of course, I miss them. They’re the reason I’m transferring to UNLV next year instead of U of A. They’re the reason I go to Vegas as often as possible. They’re the reason I put up with the idiot.

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