Sunday, July 3, 2011

Bad Parenting Advice

Parenting Tips

  1. Lying is good. Always. Lie as often as possible to your children, they need to learn to detect lies as early as possible in order to deal with the real world.

  2. Children are stupid. They will believe anything you tell them and have no cognative abilities.

  3. Only build up hope in your children if you can crush it later. Tell little Snauflayke that she is the best singer in the world (even though she's tone deaf). Enter her into a talent competition and laugh when she doesn't make the second round.

  4. Spoil your children, they deserve every cent spent on them and they should grow up feeling entitled. How else will they get a reality show?

  5. Children who kick and bite others are a joy to be around. Encourage your children to explore their world with their teeth.

  6. Do your children's homework for them and ignore the teachers who say they need to learn grammar and math. They can always learn those things in college.

  7. Your children will never do anything wrong despite your complete lack of moral fiber. Everything is obviously someone else's fault. Georgie wouldn't have hit the Jenny if she had not called him a name and the teacher had been paying better attention.

  8. Television is an excellent, and cheap, babysitter. Use it early and often.

  9. Learning social skills is overrated. We're all going to have android friends in a few years anyway.

  10. The best way to stop a tantrum is candy, lots of candy. Also soda and cake.

  11. A little nip of Jack Daniels, some tylenol, or cough syrup is an excellent way to get a child to sleep so you can have some quiet t-shirt time.*

  12. The teachers at your child's school are nothing more than way overpaid babysitters; treat them as such.

  13. Kids can survive for years on Milky Ways and Mountain Dew.

  14. Teach your child that every event is clothing optional.

*YSaC reference of an adult nature.


  1. 15. People enjoy watching children run around and scream; especially in restaurants and movie theaters. There is no need to control them in a public place because there are all these people to watch them for me.

  2. 15a. It is fine if Junior makes a huge mess at the restaurant or movie theater and you don't need to even think about cleaning it, that's why these places have those highly paid waitresses and ushers.