Friday, July 10, 2009

Top Ten Lists
Okay, these are pretty old, but I don’t think it hurts to post them here.
The first one is from December 2008. I actually printed out a copy for my Writing 102 (she was also my Writing 101) teacher and gave it to her on the last day of class.

Top Ten Signs Your Teacher Might Not Be Qualified

1. It takes him five minutes to write his name. His name? Dan Smith
2. She fondles the smart board and calls it “Ed”
3. He asks all the females in low cut shirts to sit up front so he “can get a better look at all the sweater puppies.”
4. She gives a fifteen minute lecture on the European artists of the early nineteenth century and it’s an algebra class.
5. He asks, in class, “where my hos at?”
6. She asks if anyone is interested in a key party.
7. He forgets his pants and wears a bowler hat. Bowler hats are evil.
8. She tells everyone they’ll get the grade the voices tell her to give.
9. He asks if anyone has some downers because he’s been up for three days “and the ceiling is starting to melt”
10. She has all the boys drop their pants, turn their heads, and cough.

The second one is far older. It’s from July of 2008. Yep, it’s a year old. Just to clarify, I do not recommend actually trying any of the following suggestions unless you really want bad service and I’m not responsible for any legal trouble you may find yourself in for trying them.

How to guarantee bad service at a restuarant

Tired of getting good and attentive service at restaurants? Sick of waitstaff who refill your glasses before you can think to ask and always bring the little extras? Follow these guidelines and you will be guaranteed bad service!

1. Ask the server’s name at least twice when she greets you, then refer to her as “Hon” the rest of the meal. This is especially effective with a male diner/female server combination. Use cautiously with a female diner/male server combination as it can lead to the server’s phone number being written on your check.
2. Ask the server if he has ever been on “Cops”
3. In parties of three of more, vary the amount of ice in each drink order. Diner A gets no ice, diner B gets little ice, diner C gets extra ice.
4. Switch seats every time the server leaves and complain loudly if you are given the wrong drink or food.
5. Tell your server she reminds you of the before pictures in the Jenny Craig, Slimfast or Proactive ad.
6. Ask your server if he can go TacoBell/McDonalds/BurgerKing for you.
7. Casually mention when the server asks you how everything is that your chicken is drier than the human flesh you had last night. (Do not use this tip in a restaurant that police are likely to dine at since they tend to frown upon cannabilism)
8. Bring your own food.
9. Ask how every menu item is prepared …including salads and drinks.
10. If you have a female server, ask her if she is menstrating. If you have a male server, ask him what it is like to be a eunuch.

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